« More on Resolutions: Honesty and Self-care »
Thursday, January 8, 2009 at 12:52PM 
I just read, the president of the Well Spouse Association, Richard Anderson's January 5th blog post about New Year's resolutions. In the post, he shares an article written by fellow well spouse and WSA Board member, Terri Corcoran. I highly recommend you check this post out. The New Year, really any time of year as a well spouse or partner, you may find yourself needing a reminder to be good to yourself. I like to refer to this as extreme self-care. Extreme self-care is about what you need to do to recharge your batteries or prevent a nervous breakdown. The little things that add sanity and balance to our daily lives. It is different for everyone, but this is what Remembering Self is all about. Learning new ways of coping and self-care. The motto says it all:
"Remember, it is difficult to be responsible for or take care of others if we are not taking care of and having responsibility for ourselves."
This is one of the biggest and hardest lessons for the caretaker. It is often easier to let yourself get caught up in the taking care of another, especially a loved one. It is often used to justify the neglect of self. This happens for many reasons. Maybe you like being a martyr. It may give you a sense of importance or purpose that you haven't found elsewhere in your life. I know my experience as a well spouse has added a great sense of pride and purpose to my life. So much so that my business now revolves around it. So obviously it is not bad to find purpose in what we are doing. However, everything in balance.
Caretaking for a loved one 24/7 is also a great hiding place. As well spouses, we can often avoid some of our own demons for years by focusing on helping others and neglecting ourselves. One thing that is guaranteed, however, is burn out. It may take longer for one than another, but it is sure to come if you don't take time to find out what you need for your own self-care and sanity. So I encourage you to take this to heart, whether you are going to officially set a New Year's resolution or not, take some time to think about what you need to do for yourself to provide a little more sanity; to give you some breathing room so that you can be 100% during your caregiving, instead of constanly pushing it and running on empty. As always, I welcome your comments and experiences.
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Reader Comments (2)
You said: "Caretaking for a loved one 24/7 is also a great hiding place" Yes indeed. In fact, reading this reminds me of Type A people and workaholics. As the name implies, work becomes a kind of drug to insulate oneself from perceived personal problems. I know that I found work to be a relief from my caregiving life... although that did intrude at times, as crises came up in my wife's illness. Looking back, I think I might have been one of those people, and I did suffer burnout, because I did not even realize I was a caregiver. Thank you for this insight -- I will write more of this in my Life of a Well Spouse Blog
HELP! I don't know where to go for help with my 40 yo DH who is a 20 yr s/p TBI survivor and until now I am realizing that I am the caretaker when I should have realized way when we first started out, but I was too idealistic and ignored the signs and problems. I thought love could get us through. NOw, I am selfishly thinking, but he will never really take care of me or my son if we get injured or hurt. Really. I am looking at formal separation. Any ideas? Yes, I am doubting that I love this man, because he is currently depressed and cannot even acknowledge that he loves me back. I have been ther for him so many times but now that I need help, he is backing out. This might be the time to bail out.