Andréa L. Crisp, CHHC, CLYT

I had a health scare over the last several weeks that was a small blessing in disguise. It gave me a brief, albeit agonizing, chance to feel from the other side. My experience has been that of the well spouse; the healthy one. This is all despite the fact that I have struggled with my own health issues over the years, as many well spouses do. Like others in my shoes, my issues just seemed minor in comparison to the ravages of Lupus that my late husband experienced. Overall my assumption, even now that I am remarried, is that I will continue to be the well spouse, because Dan is quite a bit older than me. Statistically he will die before me, so I’ve always assumed that I will one day be in a caretaker position again and that I will one day be a widow again.

Of course, I know that the reality is that we never really know the future.  Things change and accidents happen unexpectedly, but we always think and hope that we will be the lucky ones to escape these twists of fate. So imagine my fear and emotional turmoil when I thought recently that I might be in the beginning stages of a chronic illness. Ironically, it all started just as I was beginning this blog for well spouses and others with chronically ill and/or disabled partners. Hmm ... Of course, this had me wondering why I might be manifesting this issue at this particular time? Maybe a little blog fear?

My husband Dan and I were just married this summer and have plans to do a lot of backpacking and mountain climbing together yet. I remember the day I told him that I was having numbness in my left foot. I had already been complaining of a burning sensation in my right thumb, so now I was sharing with him that I was scared. It was spreading and on different sides of my body! And, of course, since my experience and knowledge with my late husband Jeff was with immune system disorders (I know more than the average doctor); that’s my frame of reference, so hence thoughts of MS versus let’s visit the doctor and see what they say.

So all the while I’m telling Dan of my new symptom and that it could be MS, I am thinking that we could maybe get an annulment, because this isn’t what he singed up for. I would understand if he wanted to leave. I mean with Jeff I knew he had Lupus and married him anyway, but here Dan is marrying someone 20 years younger than himself, because he wants someone to keep up with him, someone to do things with him. Of course, Dan’s not worried. Concerned yes, worried no. In his lifetime he’s mastered not worrying until there is actually something to worry about. He knows it’s a waste of time. After Jeff’s death I am much better at this than I was, because I realize how precious life is, but during times of stress I can still revert to old patterns. Although some might think otherwise, health counselors are still human. :) Dan just wanted me to go to the doctor right away instead of fretting about it.

For now, the symptoms do have an other explanation, so unless I have additional symptoms the assumption is that I do not have Multiple Sclerosis. After having gone through this turmoil the last several months, I have an inkling of what Jeff was feeling all of those years. He had such a struggle, already dealing with feelings of worthlessness because his father abandoned him when he was two, because he had difficulty in school. Then to lose the identity that he’d built around his physical strength (he had been into body building). In the end he couldn’t even walk any length let-alone hike or backpack. I know he considered himself a shadow. He held me at a distance, not because he didn’t love me, but because he didn’t love himself. He didn’t feel worthy and in his own way he was trying to protect me.

My lesson from this experience is huge. It gives me a chance to remember to breathe and then offer comfort and reassurance to your partner and those facing chronic illness. It’s not easy, but the goal is to meet your needs and your partners. Both, not one or the other. And realize that sometimes it takes some time and space to process things. The next morning after our initial MS conversation, Dan apologized to me for not reacting with more feeling or offering more comfort. I apologized for being over dramatic and jumping to conclusions. He went to the doctors appointment with me for support. The good thing is that we both have the ability to recognize each others style and needs and not take our differences personally. He just wanted me to get more information, a diagnosis, and then take some action, working towards a solution and I just wanted to reveal my fears and hear that he still loved me, even if I considered myself broken. These are powerful revelations not just for our relationship, but for all partners and spouses, whether sick or well.