« Forever Changed: New Chronic Illness Diagnosis »

You're partner was just diagnosed with a chronic illness. Maybe they suffered a life changing accident. A million things are running through your head and some of them have nothing to do with your partner. One thing you will find in this blog is that no matter what you are feeling it is okay to feel it. I will never tell anyone that their feelings are wrong. No one else has your specific set of life experiences and so no one can ever know exactly what you are feeling, but that doesn't mean that you are alone. Or that you are the only person to ever go through this.

Some of the emotions you may be feeling are:

• Anger. Why us? Why me? I didn't sign up for this? No doubt neither did your partner.
• Relief. If the symptoms have been a long time coming there is often relief to finally have a name for the illness. To know that your partner it's crazy or a hypochondriac. Relief to have one thing to research instead of 20. My first husband Jeff was originally told that he had Rheumatoid Arthritis the summer that we met. Within 6 months other symptoms arose and the diagnosis changed from RA to Lupus. At the time, I was relieved. What I had read about RA was that it was permanently damaging to the joints. Even having read some of the extremes of Lupus, it sounded better. Those extremes were listed as rare and the joint damage wasn't permanent; for some reason that is what stuck with me.
• Fear. Sadness. Grief. Fear of the unknown; the future. Sadness and grief for what you might have already lost due to the illness and the things you may lose in the future. There is grieving over losing the security and the life you had dreamed about as a couple.
• Denial. Denial serves a purpose. It can help to protect us, by not allowing too much over stimulation at once. And a second opinion is not a bad thing if you feel drawn to go down that route, but the sooner you adapt to the changes in your midst and the others on the way the easier it will be to cope. Denial is okay as long as it isn't the constant, long-term state.
• Fill in the blank. "I feel [________]." Remember there are no right or wrong feelings here. The timing, the stage of life, the state of your relationship and many other things will play a role in your feelings and reactions to your partner's chronic illness diagnosis.

You might also be wondering whether you should leave? How do we tell the children? Our family? Our friends? What about work? How will we afford treatment? Medication? What about our sex life? Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. You could be wishing it were you instead of them. You might be thinking that death would be easier to handle. Like I said, there are a million things going through your head. Whether or not this is an illness diagnosis that has been in the works and coming on for months or whether this is sudden, like a car accident, will make a big difference in your emotions and reactions.

I will address some of these emotions and questions in the blog going forward. The purpose of today is to reassure you that you are not alone. Other people have gone through something similar. Today's entry is also to let you know that your feelings are valid; to show you the wide range that exists. It may not be the appropriate time to share each and every one with the world or even your partner just yet, but allow yourself to feel. Take some time alone to process in a way that works well for you. Maybe writing down everything that is going through your head and allowing your spouse or partner some time to process as well.